its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so let's talk penis.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
