I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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