she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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