I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
