just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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