I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
