he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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