It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
