WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
