life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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