Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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