i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
