Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
