Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He passed out mid-signature
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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