Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
