He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
