The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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