If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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