You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
