The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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