Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
