Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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