I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
