I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
