dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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