I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
