I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
