Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
