the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
