Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
