I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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