I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
