He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
