Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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