Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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