running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
