meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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