Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
