She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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