Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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