The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
