woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
