you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
