just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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