The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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