Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
