i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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