Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
