it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
