and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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