We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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